:: im tired of life ::

at this instance, i really want to run away from my life. i know i cant give up when my religion n prophet s.a.w had given advise of never ever giving up upon every problem that you are facing. im torn inside out, trying so hard to keep myself together. i know what i have to prioritize. what i have to do. i just cant take it anymore. those phone calls and messages weakens me day by day without any chance to get better. at times i had enough. but at the same time, im feeling utterly guilty because i can easily decide to run away from everything when the one who's going thru it is suffering more than me. what can i do more? i dont have the power to change anything cuz if i have, i would have change everything. made everything better. but its beyond my strength, beyond my ability. im just a small, sinful, blind creature in HIS almighty world. how? how am i suppose to go thru evrything with patience n perseverance? when at all times i feel like im unable to cope with this anymore. am i being selfish for feeling this way? am i being a heartless human being for feeling this way towards the one who had sacrifise everything for me, who had forgiven me for all the things i've done. i just dont wanna be in the middle of the crisis, which i have been in for most of my living years. i just want things to change. i want a family like his. where love and harmony are around n nothing worries the mind. is it too much to ask?? im being test to the limit, sometimes more than i can take. i believe its part of the punishment i have to bare for what i have done in my past. but why only me. why not both? god i should not question. im not in the position to question why everything is the way it is. Oh my almighty guide me thru ur path and never let me diverge from it as i had done before. keep me by ur side, light me to the truth and not the opposite.

.the greatness of my life.

most of the time, u heard about the life im living in. knowing it bit by bit everytime i told you about it. but the truth is more hurting than what is being convey. never i thot that i wud be this bad. where it cut me into tiny little slice and shatters my heart to million pieces. never once i feel like this, very helpless, feel like i dont have the strength to go thru it anymore, feel like ending everything this instance. but i have HIM. who has written this for me even before i was born, knowing my life more than i do. to HIM im giving all my hopes and prayers. but at times, when things just get so ugly, i only have u. who has been listening all this while, the one who distracts me from this ugliness. making me able to live thru the days with courage and hope. its an enygma how u manage to do make me feel that way. the only thing i can think of is love. love makes it all seems so wonderful. blinding me from the things that distracts me the most.

that true feeling that means the world to me. knowing that someone really care bout me more than anything else. she always said that im lacking of this feeling since young and that's why im being so attached to u when u came into my life. and even after that, u are still there for me listening patiently cuz i know, ur love as a friend is there.

im not sure how long i can stand things before i totally becomes dysfunction. now its eating me bit by bit. rising the pressure inside of me a little a day. all this time i have u. and every day i pray that i will still have u. either as a friend or more. cuz ur the only one who understands. i know maybe others would. and yes, u do suggest that i should try to talk about it to someone who's capable of helping me. but its a matter of comfort n dignity. u know too much, the dark n deep side of my life, which i felt embarrased with. but u never treat me, less than what u have given all this while. i cant bear telling it to others. starting all over again, letting them know my flaws. yes. i see it as a flaw, that could ruin this perfect impression i have. may only u know bout it, but not others. they see me as this perfect figura, or so may they see it. they may understand and wouldnt judge a thing. but for me, the humiliation is just too much for me to bare. i dont know how to cope with it. i dont know how to deal with it. im not strong as u may think. at days, i feel like i wanna run away. away from everything. and part of it makes me feel like i never ever want to come back home and face everything. im glad that you dont have to feel what i feel. you dont have to go thru what i've been thru. im glad that u're blessed with all the happiness and love you have. and the most important thing, the loving family that i had always dreamt for since i was a young kid.

i would like u to know that every day, im being thankful n greatful to HIM, for giving me a piece of moments with you. and for letting me live in this world. i know out there there are many more people who's suffering even worse than me and doesnt have the opportunity that i have. all i hope from u is to remain here, in my life, suporting me and praying for me. not more than that. cuz no one else is there who could understand me like u do. and for that i thank HIM again.

.i miss u.

i dont know what's wrong now. but i know that i miss those moments. i really do. i miss u. u keep coming when i manage to say no. am i being tested? will it stop?