tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2645276652403536112024-03-14T18:06:59.051+08:00reBELLEious breaking free~"You start believing again,in chemistry. If you have chemistry, you only need one thing. Timing."reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.comBlogger415125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-35568742394585910342022-03-27T00:52:00.001+08:002022-03-27T01:00:56.762+08:00Kindness<p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"> I still come here once in a while to read and reflect. Never to write. Almost forgotten how to log into the account. Don't even know if I can still access it, but here I am, today. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">These short visits was just to see how much I have grown after all these years. How my emotions and feelings had evolved. How I've hidden away the unpleasant feelings and reset my thoughts. The last penned thought was about you and I didn't want that to change. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">I focused and invested on one of the best things I can, myself. Lived the life of solitude, making myself feel super comfortable of being alone but not lonely. Focused on work and getting myself into masters program. Busted my ass in the operation theatre and lived the intern life again during first year. Had the most wonderful relationship with my mentor and best friends. Cleared my exams and came back to live the rat race. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">The year away was an eye opener. How my reliance to you shifted to the One. I really depended on Him to ease the journey every step of the way. But there were days where I can't even process the grieve and just let go until i got the hang of it and bounced back every time. Made that breakthrough with the therapist to identify what was the underlying feelings behind all that procrastinations and becoming better at detecting it so that I don't dwell too much on my bad days. Became super aware of my own mood changes and avoided all sorts of drama, to this day. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Coming back, I learnt better on dependency and abandonment. That even the closest, most important people in your life can leave, just like that, without an explanation. Ghosted even. Remember the time you made that promise you will never leave but you did? Well at least you made sure I had her to fall back to before you left. You even took her advise on how to deal with our mess, because it was inevitable. I remembered how afraid I was when you weren't around but I'm fine with it now. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">In fact, some left and some just stopped being present by choice this year. Initially it was hellish and perplexing for me but I moved on anyways. It made me realised that, nothing in life is permanent regardless how much you protect it. Only He is. Circumstances and priorities change. Every one has their own leap and struggles to work on. You don't necessarily have to blame or lose yourself, questioning over the loss because you've evolved so much and are able to accept that this is just the phases of life. People do come and go, as they please and you have no control over that. Some are worth fighting for, some are better off alone. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">As long as you have the One on your side and remain true to yourself, continue loving others in the truest form you can, then you are all set. I am all set. Eventually, thing will work out and He will send you the right people in your life. Be, and it is. Of course this crazy schedule and life drama have made me thought about you occasionally, because you were my go to person to help me rationalize things. Now that I'm able to do this mental exercise on my own, I am super proud of myself for that. I owe you this one big time. Well of course this is not all you; she was there the whole time. We talked about you whenever I feel like it and she made it alright for me to reminisce the good part. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">I wrote this here today because I think I've reached a new crossroad and guess who I wanted to talk to so badly? As much as I am open to all new possibilities, I am fine with the wait. As much as I tried and work on it, I am fine with letting Him take me where I am suppose to be for now. I'm all for MANIFESTING. Insyallah things will work out. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">I made friends with so many interesting, most random character this year. They are the kindest most genuine people ever too. Just like how we first started; that random tap on your shoulder in the Emergency Room years ago. Every conversations I had with these people showed me how life can be so cruel yet so kind to us. That even when you think you lose some, you gained a thousand more when you let and rely on Him for help. Even when they are hurt, they came back stronger with ridiculously positive outlook in life. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">They carry on these huge baggages but still braving life with so much hope. And they will do the most they can for others; be it taking care a helpless pregnant lady, or training the juniors in their company to make sure everyone can progress better at work or set up a foundation for other small business during the pandemic and even sending me materials for my thesis despite only talking to each other for few hot minute. They taught me to remain kind and helpful to others despite all the adversities. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">I definitely lucked out in life. I pray that He will take care of all these precious souls and guide them endlessly during this life time. Of course, the ones who were already around meant the world to me for just sticking through despite my flawed character. Both tolerance and respect are empty virtues until we actually understand whatever it us we are supposed to be tolerating or respecting. Definitely, this comes with expectations. But the thing is, I'm so done trying to live up to people's expectations; especially when they expect you to behave in a certain way or tolerate in a certain amount, then later character blame you for just being yourself. As long as I am in peace with myself, that is all that matters. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;">Till we meet again my safe haven. Thank you, for being the great, prime example of how kindness should be. And for leaving so that I could meet all these wonderful kind people right now. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><br /></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><br /></p>reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-62243155062101976702019-09-10T18:34:00.001+08:002019-09-10T18:34:14.885+08:00Safe Haven <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It's not the kind of feeling I had late last year. The intensity was different. You don't make my heart race or melt they way he did. When I lost him, it was a different kind of sadness. It was the kind where you feel your life won't recover from that lost, that heartache. Where my heart break into a thousand million pieces and the word love has no meaning to me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I've settled down with the fact that I wasn't the choice that you made a year ago. Maybe I do feel differently back then. You're far better than all the people I've ever met. I thought you were right for me, I want you for myself. Maybe I should try harder back then, to make you see me. To make you give me that chance that I was denied. But you were just a pit stop. A place for me to grow and learn from.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And I know my worth. I would never fight for a place that I don't belong to. I know the pain of not being the chosen one. I survived that once. You did not choose me. There is nothing more for me to fight even. Hence, the clarity I had in mind when we remained platonic and have what we had all these while. I know that I will always have you to lean on.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I do have feelings for you. Admiration, inspiration, respect, kindness, love; for your preparedness to go down this road with me and for sticking along all these years. Those kind of feelings. Safeness that I felt for having this genuine soul in my life. But that feeling of safety, feeling that you're home to me, YOU almost always equates it to love. Perhaps that's where the danger lies.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Though, love, love is a generalization of feelings you have for someone who means the world to you. To me, love comes in a multitude of ways. It's so broad; so unstructured, there is no right or wrong way to love somebody. Love is not restricted to just husbands and wives or significant others. Love is having a family, in this case, a friend; someone so mature, who understands your pain, who acknowledge your growth, who says all the right things and rationalize with you, who stays, despite all odds, to make sure his friend have someone to turn to. So that his friend has some guidance to go through the scariest moment in her life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Love is respecting and being okay even if he is not yours, because the only thing you want for him is happiness, health and success and may all good things destined for him. For he has been the kindest soul. It is not an exaggeration but it's the feeling of gratitude as God has sent you to help me go through these phases of life. And the greatest way to repay your kindness to me, equates to the greatest form of love I can give, which is prayers. I may not be able to give you more than what I wish I could, but I can and will always pray for you. I do. Because the love God bestowed onto us, knowing that whatever happens, you will always be under his care and watch, is the most I can do for you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Call me dramatic or poetic or emotional. But this is how I see you from my eyes. How much you mean to me. Maybe in a different world, a different time, we are not just two friends who understands each other, maybe we are more. Unfortunately this is the world that you and I lived in. You are you, I am me and we are just two individuals who co-exist and support each other, who have a mutual understanding of things, that even without a tie, we still have that bond, a friendship that I hope will last forever.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm better at writing my thoughts. A lot calmer, a lot more comprehensive, more reflective. I appreciate things in life way more gargantuan that anybody else. Maybe nobody ever done this for you. But this is me. This is how I am. Deep with huge ball of emotions. And you know you've made a mark in my life when I write to you or about you. That is how I tell my gratefulness, say my love to people. A few has been here and this is your place.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I know I've ruined your trust and what we have before. It is all on me. I know I have to deal with the consequences. I just hope one day you'll find a way to forgive me and accept me back the way you always do. Because I would never stop fighting for something/someone who has helped me immensely. This is also an apology for taking a huge risk, for being stupid and underestimate the amount of pain I could cause both of us. I know I deserve this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So thank you my for being my safe haven<br /><br />----------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for listening to me talk about it over and over again and wiping off my tears.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for telling me that I am special, that I deserve more, that I'm incredible, that I'm loved even if I was shattered into a million pieces.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for picking up my pieces when I can’t find them, thank you putting me back together when I'm all over the place.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for answering my calls on your busy days and for coming over at night to hug me a little tighter.</span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for reminding me that even though a lot of people will break my heart, you never will. Thank you for giving the reassurance I keep looking for in everyone else.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for being a therapist to me, thank you for guiding me, thank you for healing me and asking for nothing in return.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">If you don’t know this by now, you should know that without you, I wouldn’t have made it, I wouldn’t have seen another day, I wouldn’t have seen the light.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Without you, I would’ve stayed broken and maybe even damaged.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Without you, I wouldn’t have rebuilt myself.</span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for being there. Thank you for being present. Thank you for being the ones who stay in a world where everyone leaves.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for your silent prayers, for your secret wishes, for wanting the best for me and praying I'd find it. Thank you for loving me loudly and silently. Thank you for trying to fix me even when you’re broken.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for showing me that some hearts will always love me, that love doesn’t always have to leave us broken and that some hearts will never give up on us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for embodying the kind of love I'm looking for and reminding me to keep my standards high and my head higher.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for easing my loneliness and reassuring me that I'm not always as alone as I think i am.</span></div>
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<span style="box-sizing: inherit;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Thank you for being my defibrillators. The ones who bring me back to life. The ones who teach me how to be soft again. </span></span></div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-63847176727080693092019-08-16T01:28:00.000+08:002019-08-16T01:28:03.790+08:00Look at the stars <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">They’re like the stars that shine. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Scattered but present. Distant yet still watching. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But not all stars shine forever. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I’ve always struggled with this. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">My weakest quality, is coping with change when it comes to people coming in and out my life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">As life and priorities change, my brightly lit sky dimmed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Once a shared dreams became yours solely, unintentionally. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Eventually I stop looking at the night sky. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">A dark sky is a peaceful lonely one. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">That’s where I got it wrong. They still gravitate around me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Not always, not the closest. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">But they’re still a part of the galaxy. My galaxy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Im still finding my way, especially on a dim quiet night. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I know I just need to find them back. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and everything you do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">#bellawrites </span></div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-1203566641808845562019-01-27T22:05:00.001+08:002019-01-27T22:21:35.737+08:00Powerless <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have missed you. I know that i should not but I am. And I let the feelings linger for a while, told God to send my love in what ever form they are and drop it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I drop it because having those feelings made me feel powerless. Like I was losing control over something that I can't control to begin with. Being the most confident, strong person that I am, feeling powerless is really uncomfortable. It somehow made me feel... weak.<br /><br />I am well defined. I no longer feel conflicted feeling the most over everything. I am not afraid of letting myself feel things and move on from it afterwards. I am moving on and I'm doing great. But I also realized that I let you exist longer than I should even in your absence. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Hence, going back to the dislike of feeling weak. The difference between then and now is that, I made that choice actively. I thought, never again in this lifetime our journey will ever become parallel in what ever way. I had a good control over my happiness and existence, and was really glad you were only going to be a spectator and has no power to affect me in any way. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Then I let you in for old times sake. Our chemistry was undeniable but temporary but do not grow more than what it is, despite all the years complementing and supporting each other. It was a rookie mistake diving in to the uncharted territories with you, with the pretense; we are finally at the best equilibrium to exist together. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As we dive deeper, we continued to explore and had a wondrous adventure. We were going to ace it. It will be different. This time, you had the best of me; the better version that has grown and in control. But we also know that this is cyclical. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I wasn't the one calling the shots obviously. That is why I'm still afraid of feeling or being seen as weak for thinking of you. I lost that grip I used to have, that confidence. Not all of it because I am re-calibrating just fine, at my own tempo. But I dislike the fact that you were still my kryptonite. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">"You can still be vulnerable and still be powerful. You can have a gentle heart, but still be rock solid at your core. You can be calm as breeze but as fierce as tiger, the best people embody both sides."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I still am, forever finding my balance. </span></div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-76345360839369358652018-12-27T03:21:00.000+08:002018-12-27T03:21:48.043+08:00the extra space within <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">It took me a while to figure out how to start this piece of reflection. It feels like there’s no proper word or sentence that could put everything together. The feeling I have while writing this doesn’t reflect the year I had. I kept looking outside the window pane of the train looking for inspiration but my mind was just fleeing to places; revisiting some of the memories from this year.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">After the whole confusion at the end of 2017, I know I was more sure of myself, of what I want in my life and career, who I allow in my circle to start with. Knowing my worth and how much I can push myself, I went back to Neurosurgery. Of course, it was not without His help and guidance. I never ever thought I would do this when I was a kid, well, to be honest I never thought of being a doctor. It was never in my ambition back then during school. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">Maybe it’s a calling or what ever you call it. My boss had asked and challenged me multiple times; as to why I want to do this especially in those moments where I struggled and lost balance, when I was too eager in advancing but not understanding the process, when I’m not in control of my emotions and actions. This career path that I’m on now, has taught me to become a stronger and mature person, personally. That my mind is the strongest part of me and I still have to nurture and challenge it to become the best version of myself. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">Until now I don’t have an answer to his question but we both have an understanding, that only crazy people would do Neurosurgery. I’m that kind of crazy I guess. All I know, I want it and I’m sticking to it for now. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">I also did an exceptional thing this year; touring Europe on my own. It was suppose to be a different kind of trip at the beginning but I took a risk and just went with it. Reflecting back, I jumped head first in most of the things in my life. I do consider, heck I can make a long list of pros and cons in my head as well as a complete argument for it. I’m the most defined person but I still go with my guts. Even though I didn’t get to see the person I was suppose to meet, all the people and friends I’ve made from the trip compensated for that loss. And the solo trip was the best and bravest thing I’ve done so far.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">As much as last year and first half of 2018 was about moving and letting go, something that I’ve always struggled with; I realised I have the biggest space in my heart to spare. Even when sometimes, they were the ones who walked away. Perhaps this sounds stupid and will back fire one day, but to me when you love and appreciate someone, they will always have a place there. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">I put my heart on my sleeve all the time but I don’t just let anyone in. Because I think my biggest fear is people walking out on me. The depth of connection and value they brought into my life is what I held on for the longest time. Even when we’re lost in translation over the years or months we were not in touch, my love for them did not change. Maybe this is what growing up with a person who walked in and out of you has done to me, but they do come back, they do love you and sometimes they do deserve the chances you are afraid to give. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">However, it is just sad that it took a loss for things to come together. I was already at a point of accepting that certain things wouldn’t change. But He is The Almighty, The Giver, The Most Generous and The All Knowing. Things fall in place for unexpected reasons. Love and support are sent to you when you least expected it. Your source of strength and inspiration sometimes comes in the oddest form; by seeing another being strong. She is by far one of the strongest person I know and my love for them is endless. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">And from then onwards, you recalibrated back every single connection you have with other people. To be more present to both of your parents regardless of their past. Because some love, even if it’s difficult it’ll be there for you till the end of time. To them, you’re the same little girl who needs to be protected. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">Next is to appreciate those friends, who sometimes even without you telling, manage to understand every worry and confusions you have and will always push you forward. The reality of life has gotten so real for them that it made me feel like what I’m going through are sometimes insignificant. My only wish is that He will ease their journeys, sending them abundance of blessing and happiness. And despite distance, we’ll always be in each other’s prayers, aiming for the one true destination. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">Within that space also exist individuals who allows you to grow and share the same value as you. The values you would want to grow old together with. Who saw the truest, rawest form of you; both polarities and still gravitate within your space. But the connection with them is like an unstable chemical bond waiting to explode. However strong the force of attractions, the charges between the atoms and ions are too volatile, making it hard to stay bounded. They are the stars you look upon the night sky. The everglow. But like every stars, they stop shining when it’s time. What remained is the celestial body they once are. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">All these only made me realise that what I thought was my weakness is actually my strength. Loving people and having a huge ball of emotions or feeling deeply for everything, is not a bad thing. Indeed I’m heavy and difficult at my worst, I have my flaws. I’ve struggled with my inner self, trying to be the right version of me. I’m still growing and improving. I’m not gonna stop. Though one thing for sure I exude realness and even with this complexity there’s only sincerity each time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">It’s just so miraculous how vast my personal growth plus relationships have evolved and deepened through out the year. Though some fell out of place and went missing, most were rekindled importantly. I hope they’ll grow fuller, filling up the extra space within my heart, continuously loving this old soul who never stops believing in love. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">Continue to grow with kindness and kindness will come back to you in multitude. May next year brings greater things to each of us. </span></div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-91582450594172364552018-12-09T19:07:00.003+08:002018-12-09T19:07:30.205+08:00Unloving <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Never once I force to you to love me </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Never once I beg you to accept me </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Never once I stayed when I’m unwanted </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I left every time, every moment </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I ran away, far away from you </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When it was unhealthy for me </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When it broke me to pieces </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When it made me believe </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m not enough to be loved</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My biggest mistake was thinking </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Love could change the world</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It could knock on that heart that I cared</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I struggled in unloving the universe </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But never once I force to you to love me </span></div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-44814694252778306952018-12-09T19:04:00.001+08:002018-12-31T20:20:47.466+08:00Value<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My value as a person, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">who’s never been anything but genuine, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">felt like it was thrown out the window. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I know I’m not just an option. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I deserve to be someone’s only choice. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In the midst of intimacy, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">most vulnerable state of being, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was dismissed and rekindled, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">like a frequented customer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The one you keep craving for </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But never the dream in your nights. </span></div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-6453473495186498052018-10-26T10:07:00.000+08:002018-12-31T20:21:57.282+08:00Stargazing <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAzENXyxbZhU_nSHef1U7cOkUfulUHZIRhwW8sVIl6cWBkYvi16rw7dgUoLkbv4TxhBsjW8TGRcu1iZ2Jof5K5VzCWRmYfU48oCQLazMgsiH2J5DGVC5SAwCam5jaDa2m5j03tkBIHgX0/s1600/B9A603EC-21C6-4067-B7E9-18783D7A9F0E.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1281" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAzENXyxbZhU_nSHef1U7cOkUfulUHZIRhwW8sVIl6cWBkYvi16rw7dgUoLkbv4TxhBsjW8TGRcu1iZ2Jof5K5VzCWRmYfU48oCQLazMgsiH2J5DGVC5SAwCam5jaDa2m5j03tkBIHgX0/s320/B9A603EC-21C6-4067-B7E9-18783D7A9F0E.jpeg" width="256" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Cruising on the quiet road, she gazed upon the night sky </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">It was dark and covered, barely a twinkle </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">A twist of fate, a change of heart </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">The stars felt her presence </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Sitting there lullabied by the soft waves </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Slowly the clouds uncovered, presenting them the wondrous constellations </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Putting up the brightest show</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Showing them that blood diamonds too can shine;</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Just like how the once torn heart could love again </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">What was once a big black hole could perhaps become a universe </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">With all the possible infinities, forever </span></div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-83885518097816422522018-09-19T00:43:00.000+08:002018-09-19T00:43:08.826+08:00chasing fire <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Never have I ever wish for our path to cross, until these eyes lay on you again today. The tenderness in your voice, thoughtfulness of your actions, they seem to be continuously growing like a shy flower bud, evidently present on full bloom.<div>
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Our path has always been parallel, distant but alongside, trying to inspire each to soar higher. But it stops there. For once I desperately, hopefully wish, that a fraction of that elongated path would cross again. </div>
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I know I'm chasing fire when I'm running after you.The bloom will eventually wilt and when it grows again, it is not mine to see or hold. </div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-72487826012682839252018-05-03T00:26:00.000+08:002018-05-03T00:26:09.822+08:00be kind to one another <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I received such a wonderful monthly feed from MAKNA Malaysia last week. Been meaning to read through the content when I'm clear headed and today's the day. The 'Grief' section gets my attention because it's so timely.</div>
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<a data-ft="{"tn":"-U"}" data-lynx-mode="asynclazy" data-lynx-uri="https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fngo.sgsupport.asia%2Fmalaysia%2Fmakna%2F2018%2FmonthlyFeed%2Fapril%2Fwebcopy.html%3Femail%3Dbelluvaz%2540gmail.com%26name%3DAnis%2Bnabillah%2B%2BMohd%2BAzli&h=ATMZ0NytqZkGBegjT0dkQxK69nRtdSTV_lU9uHNKhIfch-NaF8Isjy8sR1YhERv_pZi-uUssGLMlbG-GJatK0xPdT63IkkAInBN6s1URms_NvzkvJ97osErkTzk80RIT2EbL_Z3yxrm0GPuDDCg" href="http://ngo.sgsupport.asia/malaysia/makna/2018/monthlyFeed/april/webcopy.html?email=belluvaz%40gmail.com&name=Anis+nabillah++Mohd+Azli" rel="noopener nofollow" style="color: #365899; cursor: pointer; font-family: inherit; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">http://ngo.sgsupport.asia/…/2018/monthl…/april/webcopy.html…</a></div>
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In this current rotation, I deal with patients who have cancer/malignancy on daily basis. From diagnosing, breaking the bad news, pre-operative planning, post op management and end of life care. I ad<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;">mit it's been a while; from seeing brain pathology to managing chronic wound, i rarely see any malignancy cases for the past 5 months.</span></div>
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Seeing them day in, day out, trying to understand and empathize, somehow sometimes, I got agitated with some of their reactions. Being young and slightly impatient made them see me as inconsiderate-borderline rude. In my head, I was trying to educate them but obviously they don't want any lengthy lecture. They want an explanation why is this happening to them, reasons beyond logic, because nothing can comfort them.</div>
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Hence come the 5 stages of grief. I had forgotten about it until my consultant reminded me, that their reactions were appropriate. I apologized tremendously, trying to salvage what's ever left of my broken ego and put myself at the receiving end.</div>
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Sometimes, we ridicule and get taken aback by some people's reaction towards us. I know I do, just because they cross my level of morality or etiquette. Then again, I have to remind myself that I'm dealing with people who are facing discomfort, physically, mentally and more importantly emotionally; one that we always fail to address.</div>
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What I'm trying to say is, ALWAYS be kind to one another and try to understand/empathize with them holistically. We can ease their pain just by being kind and supportive. Lower down our ego once in a while because we learn from one another every day without you realizing it. I think that's one of the best life sentiments.</div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-87627457598799012752017-12-23T00:22:00.001+08:002017-12-23T00:22:48.549+08:00c'est la vie <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The year has passed by so fast, so much, it has reached the moment where you become all reflective and start to ponder upon all the things that has happened through out the year. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You’ve lived, loved, lost, grew, possibly gone on a really wild roller coaster ride; with twisted dips and turns that shifted your focus multiple times all year long. LIFE. Life happened again, this year. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You’ve made many choices; both good and bad, mistakes and big decisions that were completely foreign, it scared the hell out of you but simultaneously turned you into this braver, mature person who are not afraid to overcome what ever obstacles in the future. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Well, at least for me. It has been a whirlwind of multiple peaks and low; pushed me to the edges, figuring my strength and weaknesses each time. Put me out of my comfort zone, my logic, out into new environments. Gone back and forth into my past and present, trying to free myself from the maze I built.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I’ve gained and let go few important things, in fact people this year. But regret isn’t one of it. Of course there are still some convincing work needed to be done here and there. Though the biggest challenge by far was moving on from nothing but myself. Me. I think that was the hardest, most challenging part of 2017. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There were moments where I chose to let my hair down and go with my guts. Opened up myself to the deepest core, I never knew I could. Felt the rawest of feeling and vulnerability. Trusting and jumping head first into certain areas of life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I’ve gone down the path of thinking I was insufficient and not enough for being myself just because a person couldn’t appreciate me the way I am. All emotional all heartfelt. Funny that even a considerably confident person could feel this way. Something that was the complete opposite of me. Especially when they meant a lot to you. It took me some time to process the whole situation. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For a while I doubted my entire existence and nature. Wounded and disappointed, I learned to love myself again. When something/someone inflicted such vibe it’s not wrong for you to just leave everything behind and move forward. You’re not missing anything, especially when you’re starting to lose yourself. Someone who doesn’t know your worth probably is not worth the fight after all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">That being said, I’m forever grateful that I have others who appreciate me for who I am. They’re my forever person. Irregardless if they’re just a temporary pit stop in my life. Even the one that got away. I always wonder why did our path crossed as there’s definitely more to it. Because He would send someone to you with a purpose. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">For the first time I get to know someone who is so composed and grounded. Genuinely kind. Who indirectly served as a friend, mentor and idol. And whenever you look at them it’s pure admiration for the person they are. Despite your path would just be a parallel line and never intertwined after this, you’d feel lucky to have known such a good soul. And from each other we learn the meaning of loyalty and honesty. That second chances are given for you to make things right, to grow and learn from one another. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">So even with the big move back home and changing job, finding my ground, starting over; things are definitely easier and better because of my fabulous support system. Who catches me every time I fall, ready to listen to me when I cry, who reminded me how much I’m loved when I failed in finding love. My small circle that I keep very close to my heart. They made the huge shift more bearable with their valued opinions. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">More beautiful when you find someone halfway across the world mirrored the way you see life. Your values and sentiments sync. Often they made you feel like you’re talking to yourself because your wavelength matches at the utmost level. A twin perhaps would best describe them. Importantly they reminded me of my root, my deen, something that I sometimes overlooked. Language, distance and time zone are just menial things that separate you in comparison to the bond you have between each other. They’re gems you will find along your journey. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At this point, nothing is really set for the future. We can always work on our aim and ourselves. To improve and grow further. But what is written for you will find you with time. It’s all about the timing they say. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Time. It has been a multitude of things to me; an envious enemy that cut short all the wonderful moments in life wishing you could have more. A stagnant sorrow that makes you feel like throwing all the seconds and minutesaway to let it pass quicker. A space for me to breathe and mapped my way back as adequately as I need. A given privilege that you have to appreciate and use coherently. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It’s been a rather good year. Not the best yet but my learning curve is tremendously steep. There is still a lot to improve and figuring out to do, to focus on. So much love to give and spread, especially so to ourselves, that we often forget. While all that is happening, slowly but surely life will unravel itself to you and may you make the best out of it. Doucement mais sûrement.</span></div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-48049371789062992882017-10-10T02:05:00.000+08:002017-10-10T02:05:51.631+08:00People <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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My Instagram posts for the past 9 months looks kinda boring. I don't have picturesque scenery or great-filter-improved photo. My post, majoratively are of pick-me-up quotes and people. People that I feel has played important part in my life. The ones I've shared part of me with.<br />
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I'm your typical keep-in-touch friend. I'll text or call when the thought of you crossed my mind. But over the years, I think I've changed. I mean, I still do check out on my friends, just few particular ones. I am friendly but my trusted circle has becomes smaller as I grow. Guess that's normal for most of us because not everyone will stay. And as friendly as one can be, you eventually will go back to your comfortable cave to recharge.<br />
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Then for a period of time, I zoned out from everyone. I stopped reaching out. It was just a phase I was going through but that made me realize who's who in my life. Made a point rekindling with some whom I've lost touch for years and let go a few I cherished most. I used to get upset when my calls or texts were unreturned, having this sense of being left out or forgotten. Oblivion. But as life goes on, work and responsibilities become the major part of your existence, I realized I was doing it to other people as well, what more with being in oncall-postcall-sleep deprived situation. So I stop chasing people. I believe people would stay if they want to. Their effort speaks for themselves.<br />
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And once that phase was over, I knew that a small circle of people would always be my person, which I'm forever grateful and thankful for. I'd go to the distance for them, cross countries even. So what drives me; investing my time and energy more than I could afford?<br />
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Simple, the beautiful soul they already are. Their views and principal resonate me in all aspects; perhaps they complete me in a way I never knew could. I'm lucky to still have the same faces supporting over the years. They're the people I'd go extra miles for because I know they would do the same for me in a heart beat.<br />
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You know what's the best thing I've realized from all this? That I'm also someone else's person. They entrusted me with their most personal side even when our encounter aren't as frequent as one would want. But the understanding, the sense of belonging that we have for each other is enough to acknowledge the role of each person in the other's life.<br />
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I never expect a random stranger half way across the world would be my mirror. Or that I am the lucky few who received a phone call on a very important-life changing day for a determined young man. Neither that I ever imagine I'd be the first to know about someone's crush-turned-husband episode. As much as I'm glad that they are my person, I'm even more grateful to be their person. And one thing I can do best is making sure that these people know how much I love and appreciate them.<br />
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So I guess that's why these faces are on my profile. Because the world needs to know, that these set of people are the ones who drives and reminds me to be a braver, boundless yet calmer person in loving myself and people around me. They shaped me into the person I am today. </div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-39477923850468241652017-01-07T18:51:00.000+08:002017-01-07T21:28:47.469+08:00magical <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
sometimes you dont know when will you stumble upon something special. without a sign or warning they just come. and they will come knocking at the weirdest,chaotic transition period of your life. the timing can never be more perfect. this surprise brings nothing but joy and sense of belonging. makes you feel at home, even for a while.<br />
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things just fit in. easy. a little confusing but the excitement overcome all the other things. typical, that some things are not meant to last. and this is just that. so over time, i have learned that to fret and worry about what may come spoils the experience. indeed, you want them to stay, longer, forever perhaps but not everything is meant for you. your path cross for a very very short while but it is rather, a magical magnificent pit stop.<br />
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of course you wouldn't want something magical to go away. but it is not for you to decide. even if you are ready to fight against all odds, you will rethink about it a thousand million times, whether they would want to stay and fight for you, or better, with you. having to face this again, just after you are healed from before, is not really enticing.<br />
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so what do you do? at the end of the journey, the magical magnificent journey, you watch them go. secretly you wish, at goodbye, they'll turn around and stay, but then again, that's not for you to decide.<br />
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-76980231498957710192016-09-21T21:44:00.000+08:002016-09-21T21:47:51.344+08:00stoicity <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #454545; font-family: inherit; font-size: 16px;">you live under the false pretenses of those lovely smiles and those how-are-you?-I'm-good-and-fine-smiley-eyes routine. but you know deep down that something is missing. </span><span style="color: #454545; font-family: inherit; font-size: 16px;">that you can't justify to your own conscience why are you feeling this way. you can't even recognize yourself at a certain point. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #454545; font-size: 16px;">so you mope, mope around and dwell with this confusion or sadness or crisis or whatever it is called. you remain stoic. you lay still, procrastinating, refusing to move a single fiber in your body, wishing your mind would stop racing and thinking and projecting. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #454545; font-size: 16px;">you stop writing and shutting yourself from reaching out to anybody because they don't get you or because they're just never available or disinterested or they're the wrong kind of people you hope would be around or even if they do get you, they can't make the feeling go away. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #454545; font-size: 16px;">so you just lay there, so very quietly, still, and let it consume you for this one time. cry if you need, scream or just stay silent for the longest time if that makes you feel better. or just, un-feel things. stop feeling for the things you think would matter. stop feeling for those people you think would matter. stop feeling for the unnecessary things around you because it's tiring to have an emotional response to everything. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">and after all that break and procrastination, you stop moping and embrace life again. come back stronger when you feel you're ready to deal with your emotions and the world around you. always remember not to get yourself stuck during the dark times. you maybe lost for a little while but always find your way back and find your purpose or direction again. </span><br />
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-6717131176392259482016-07-07T11:37:00.000+08:002016-07-07T11:37:08.454+08:00freedom<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
every time there's a slightest hope, it was crushed all over again.<br />
even when i explained and rationalized all the actions,<br />
it is still never enough. because it keeps on hurting.<br />
i want this to stop. i want it so badly.<br />
i want to be free from my own feelings,<br />
from my own cage.</div>
reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-178477260866429162016-04-29T12:17:00.000+08:002016-04-29T12:17:22.968+08:00everglow <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
it is easier to tell me to go try and forget. when all along, it's fixed to something i've been working on for a while. i do understand where they are coming from and all they want, is the best for me. i finally made peace with myself and decide that i'm gonna just leave all those horrible feelings i've been overtly thinking and continue working.<br />
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i openly am trying because i've been stuck and suck trying to decide at each crossroads. at the same time i cant help feeling that all this has been rushed and escalated from what had happened the last week. i dont want to be doing it just because, it has to be done. i dont want to give up just yet. but i openly am trying. sigh.<br />
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it felt like brainwash and intervention all together, which was stressful and intensified for me. cuz you see, even when my heart is as big, it's inappropriately fragile at times. too much feels. so i just stop. stop thinking all together and take it as it goes. there isn't anything left to justify or make this less obvious and hurtful than it already is. because i know, sometimes it's like fighting a lost cause.<br />
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but i know what i'm fighting for. i want to fight for it. then again, i'm open to all chances. blinding or confused one might be, i do wish bits and pieces of me are grained to where it's suppose to. whereby at dark, they'll glow; give you comfort, warmth, safety. give you, me. "though you might be gone, and the world may not know, still i see you, celestial."<br />
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-45386612198710419822016-02-22T18:32:00.002+08:002016-02-22T18:32:41.191+08:00small screen<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;">"Why would you have your head stuck in a small screen device when your world is sitting right in front of you? </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;">Perhaps the browsing through, scrolling and double tapping those pretty pictures connects you more than just talking. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;">What happen to the old fashion starring into their eyes, giggling over silly things and enjoy the simple moments of just, you two, together in your small bubble?"</span></div>
reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-79212809741570477882015-12-02T20:43:00.000+08:002015-12-02T20:43:06.375+08:00doubt<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Doubt is a really dangerous thing<br />
First, it would break you, defeat you and stray you away<br />
Then, it would come creeping at the time you are least occupied<br />
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Worse, it would falter any ounce of confidence you have</div>
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And finally, to only leave you with irrelevant worries and ambivalence. </div>
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They say only trust and unimaginable believes could demolish doubt,</div>
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But for that, you need to muster every inch of confidence hiding in every single living cells of your body. </div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-84196461368870706112015-10-23T00:12:00.000+08:002015-10-23T00:12:20.705+08:00love <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
how can someone/something you love, cause so much pain to you?<br />
sometimes i'm disheartened for feeling so much<br />
because all i want is a simple love<br />
but love proves itself again and again<br />
that it's never simple and easy for me<br />
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i just know<br />
i love you </div>
reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-2827737761106195732015-10-23T00:08:00.001+08:002015-10-23T00:08:13.293+08:00talk <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I can remember the good old days,
When you and me used to hide away<br />
Where the stars were shining or the sun was blinding our eyes<br />
Yeah you filled up my glass,
With promises that could never last<br />
But I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind<br />
And all of the things that we once said,
Are not in my heart, they're in my head<br />
That was the time to say goodbye<br />
Let's put it to rest yeah, let it die<br />
'Cause we don't, we don't need to talk about this now<br />
Yeah we've been down that road before<br />
That was then and this is now<br />
The crowds in my heart they've been calling out your name<br />
Now it just don't feel the same<br />
Guess it's over, yeah we're done<br />
I heard you made your way downtown<br />
To the place that I've been hanging around<br />
I was looking for your face in the crowd
But trying to keep my head down<br />
Over time our wires crossed
Well you changed and truth got lost<br />
All the things I would change if we could only rewind<br />
You were a moment in life that comes and goes<br />
A riddle, a rhyme that no one knows<br />
A change of a heart, a twist of fate
Couldn't fix it, it's too late<br />
'Cause we don't, we don't need to talk about this now<br />
The crowds in my heart they've been calling out your name<br />
But it just don't feel the same
I guess it's over, yeah we're done</div>
reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-42957381340446506782015-09-28T10:57:00.001+08:002015-09-28T10:57:53.508+08:00revert back <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
it is easier to revert back to normal, right from where we start, even when we've been talking or not talking to each other on and off. it is definitely easier to talk to you than avoiding you, i'd give that. i dont know why the preference and sometimes have doubt whether you actually listen to my ramblings all these while. but we will end up laughing over something, i look forward to that most of the time. and because you're my friend first before anything else. i could sit right next to you and do nothing because it feels like home, calm and secure. better even when we talk about all sorts of stuff, googling on something new and share silly videos. i dont know how things will be when the internship ends but i know for sure i will miss this closeness and easiness. i told mom about you. i think she knows better how i feel about you more than myself. i do secretly wish that i will find the right person soon so i can stop thinking, wondering about us. hoping even. because the last time i did all of that, it doesnt end well. the only thing that comes out of it was you finally know how i feel. though right now, you're my friend first before anything else. because i cant imagine my day without you. </div>
reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-76522565486733729012015-09-07T00:26:00.000+08:002015-09-07T00:27:11.587+08:00photograph <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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i learned that one is always able to love again. to love unconditionally despite race, religion, looks and impossible conditions. but i also discovered that love can weakens you as well. makes you feel alone and confused. sometimes we don't really choose who we fall in love with because it just happens. and you try to fight it with your own reasoning. weighing every possibilities, telling yourself that it is temporary. but then you realized that those feelings don't go away as easily as you hope. and you are stuck in the loop over and over again. because when the two of you get to see each other eye to eye, old memories crop up, playing in your mind as you sit and talk. and when he's not looking, your gaze is transfixed onto him, his eyes, his lips, his hair, his persona. you know for a fact that if you told him that he needs a trim, he will do it the very night so the next day so he'll look good. sometimes he is oblivion that your opinions matter to him. weird how love is. most of the time, they will be together but then again, most of the time also, these two wont. because love can come in many forms, not only for couples, but for friends as well, especially the best of friends. for families and pets too. they've gone back on forth the same phase but every time when they might reach the point of becoming random strangers, they revert back to where they start. because they were friends first before everything. sometimes she made these small wishes, hoping that in a different situation or another life time, it'll be easier for them. she is well aware what is meant to be will be, what would stay will stay. she was afraid, too afraid to tell what ever she was feeling because there's the risk she will be losing her friend. one who she can't, wouldn't want to replace. funny despite being denial, what she feels like love was actually love right from the start.</div>
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-37414212975557621002015-08-27T14:12:00.001+08:002015-08-27T14:12:18.335+08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
what i want right now will sound so superficial that im actually embarrassed by it. i couldnt even type it out because it's so shallow. but im tired. so tired of investing to those who dont appreciate. im tired of being alone. saying that it's all okay and going to work out. i've tried looking at things at it's simplest form or point to rationalize myself. but life goes into course just like how it's suppose to. regardless how badly we want it or wish it. if it's not meant to be it's not meant to be. i felt this year, love has been taken away from me the most. i miss my mom. so badly. but i cant do anything about it. i stop talking to a few people because, well because i feel unappreciated. i keep on falling for the wrong person, giving my all to someone who couldnt return the feelings. i feel at lost.</div>
reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-70817233789450844832015-07-20T22:43:00.002+08:002015-07-20T22:43:34.544+08:00night drive <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
the champagne colored beast<br />
running smooth breaking the silence<br />
in that cold Saturday midnight<br />
she could barely keep her eyes open<br />
as they cruise back to where they came<br />
<br />
in those silence<br />
a familiar song was playing at the background<br />
while she rest her head on the smooth leather seat<br />
her companion was clearing his throat<br />
trying to stay focus on the road<br />
<br />
little that she knew in the next minute<br />
a struggling voice was trying to match the voice on the radio<br />
imitating every key, failing the falsetto<br />
partially annoyed as comfort left her<br />
she looked at him with a strange stare<br />
<br />
bluntly<br />
"he can really hit those high notes"<br />
and then he gave another try on the falsetto<br />
"of course bruno mars can hit those notes, but you-Mars cannot"<br />
rolling her eyes in the dim light<br />
<br />
less than a second, not giving up he made the same croaky sound<br />
by this time, she's all giggly and laughing, eyes wide awake<br />
<br />
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-264527665240353611.post-76382952596866937492015-07-20T22:12:00.000+08:002015-07-20T22:12:20.742+08:00whispers <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
as i walked down the halway<br />
i have this thought in my mind<br />
it's going to be long before i ever see you<br />
so as i exhale in the midst of patients<br />
secretly, i made a quick wish<br />
<br />
but you know..<br />
<br />
as i continue walking<br />
and saw that familiar strut<br />
i felt a rush in my blood streams <br />
He heard my little whisper<br />
and a garden bloom inside my heart<br />
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reBELLEioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17100359111899868074noreply@blogger.com0